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Perfect Imperfection

Finding genius in the mistakes.

Ashley

my passion

I am many things. Mostly, though, I'm just trying to be who I really am.

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May 22nd, 2012

privacy, from my blog

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This is coppied from my blog at kickingdarkness.wordpress.com

I just wrote this long entry about privacy and what its like living at home, but then it got lost. So I think I’m talking about something else instead. Maybe?
The thing about living at home at 30 is that I’m doing it because I have no choice. I have a lot of student loan debt, and I fucked up so much in college I can’t get into grad school, which is the dream, without redoing math and science at the very least, to prove I’m not a fuck up anymore. Losing my insurance put me back pretty far too.
There are of course, places where you can live if you’re mentally ill, but those are for the more chronic. I can live on my own illness-wise, but not money wise. and if I could pick one of the two this is what I’d want it to be, you know?
But privacy is valued for me, and today is my last day off with it. Thursday the school year end for my mom, so I’ll no longer have the two or three weekdays a week where i have no work and no one at home with me.
I’m a loner by nature, and I’m okay with that. When I look back I see that a lot of the problems i had were trying to fit myself into a social hole where I just didn’t fit and because of that I did stupid things to be liked. Almost all of the things that happened in college that fucked me up illness wise and GPA wise…were because I didn’t accept that i’m not a people person, will never be a people person. That’s okay. Its okay for me to be an introvert and a loner, and to not want to leave the house when I’m not working-espeically since I work in retail and that’s enough people time for me in a week.
But I need my privacy, I need my space. I have my room and the woman cave, but that’s sometimes not enough. Mostly it is though.

March 10th, 2012

my fanfic

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I've spent the last few days plotting a Kurt/Sebastian fanfic, AU for season two. That means it starts in June after Kurt/Sebastian's sophomore year, which was Glee Season one.

I have it "outlined" until November-main events, what I have to put in. I know who the main characters are (Kurt, Seb, Rachel, Sam, Finn, Mercedes, Burt). So I'm going to start writing either tonight or tomorrow and I'm scared shitless.

My biggest fear is making Kurt or Sebastian either too female or too mary sue-y. However, I'm finally starting to "See" teh first few scenes in my head. I half wrote at work today one of the first scenes-a lunch with Kurt, Rachel, and Sebastian.

The thing I'm really enoying is just letting my brain go and seeing what happens-for instance my idea for X lead me into an idea for Y with that character and Z with another character. I will link when I actually have a chapter up, whenver that is.

September 7th, 2011

tired

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This is from my "regular journal" which can be found at darknesstodaylight.blogspot.com

I don't like myself when I'm tired. I think about the wrong things too much. I realized today that my daydreaming about an alternate universe Ashley is more destructive than daydreaming about triggery crush. So I did daydream about triggery crush, and its okay. I mean, I do dream a bit about him...him as someone who is a friend first, who tries to understand what he doesn't understand. Which is a bit like me admitting his biggest flaw, yes?

So, I took a long walk and it was fab, and then I walked through the park and felt okay with my thoughts. I skipped my last therapy appointment because of my work schedule. Of course, the time I rescheduled for doesn't work with my work schedule but I'm going anyway. I don't want to skip two in a row-once is fine, but two begins a pattern and its a pattern I don't need or want.

Next week is invantory at work, which I hate but thankfully its only once a year. My dad is laid up with gout-he's at the dr right now. I'm sort of meh and tired and meh. So I'm going to read and rest and later go to the pharmasy and pick up my meds.

September 4th, 2011

(no subject)

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I don't post here much. I don't even blog to my regular blog much, and I only occationally tweet or tumbl. Its just not who I am, you know? I enjoy my shyness, and if I need love and attention I have my G's, where I feel its safespace.

Its even hard sometimes reading fic, becuase...yeah, the actors a trigger but the character isn't, but then people write the character like the actor and it gets jumped in my head sometimes.

April 7th, 2011

If you arrived at your front door and saw your first love standing there, what would you do or say?
Not one word. I would just open the door and shut it again in his face.

March 2nd, 2011

A year? Really?

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Haven't updated in a year. Not because there's not much to say-there's always too much in my head day-dream and crush wise, but becuase...I don't like journaling in general.
There's this fear of not being noticed, almost, combined with this "doint talk about your problems" thing.
Seriously, I put a facebook thing about how depressed i was, and regreted it, but it didn't matter becuase the only responce I got was from Jassie.

April 11th, 2010

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?


happy bcause of the whole "actually being alive at 28" thing.

March 13th, 2010

If the interior discussion in your head were indexed by category, what would the five most recurring subjects be?

--men I will never meet but want to sleep with
--Baseball. Subgroups: St Louis Cardinals, My Fantasy Team
--The library, going to it.
--Work Related Shit
--Mental Illness, and why I hate it.

February 11th, 2010

On John Mayer

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I spent a good deal of work today psychoanalizing John Mayer, so I guess sixteen years of on and off therapy are good for something.
I find him very..self sabatogy. Like, he says he wants to be liked but for some reason he purpously does things that will get people angry at him. THere's something..wrong there. Maybe I'm just projecting my own issues on him. I do that alot with crush objects.
Yeah, the whole not thinkg about vag face thing isn't going too well.

February 9th, 2010

(no subject)

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I'm so sure no one is gonna want me for twatlympics. Ugh.
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